Living under the same roof for over a decade, bathed in what I thought was love, only to realize much later that it was anything but. You made me feel like I could conquer the world on my own, handing me this pseudo-freedom to do as I pleased, until it dawned on me that it was just your way of saying you had bigger fish to fry. Your selective apathy left a younger me utterly bewildered. You gave me everything but peace, loving me completely in your absence.

Watered my youth with trauma, conditioning me to believe that affection under our roof was merely a transaction, a warmth I had to plead for, a love I had to beg on my knees just to earn. And though she fights tooth and nail to shatter the illusion of those scars by loving me entirely, it has left me tragically incapable of dropping my guard. Remain forever suspicious of everyone's affection, not even sparing hers.

I can't even pinpoint when I stopped wanting to remember, though the memory stubbornly lingers anyway. That time I thought you’d pick me up after letting me set off alone on a day when everyone else was beaming at their little girl, or at least, I still saw myself as a little girl back then. It was the day I got all dolled up to honor the heroine whose celebration falls in the very same month I was born. But as it turned out, I had to make my way home alone, too. I don't even know what the point was of waiting endlessly on that school sidewalk, brushing off everyone's concerned questions with a breezy, "My ride is on the way kok, aman aja," while turning down their offers for a lift. What was the point of filling my heart with such brimming anticipation, if in the end, a crushing disappointment was the only lesson you taught me for daring to dream of a little more love?

Apologies? Were there dozens? Thousands? I can’t even recall if a single "I'm sorry" ever reached my ears that day. Me, never one to cry easily, bottled up my anger behind a thousand silences. And before I could even voice the reason behind my quiet fury, I was shut down, told that I simply had to accept "grown-up matters" that were often sudden and unforeseen. Tell me, was stripping away my hopes that day part of those meticulously planned grown-up matters?

And now, after everything, after all those seemingly trivial moments adults assume a constantly smiling child would just forget, it’s as if I’m cornered into accepting. Forced to absorb all your guilt in a situation where turning my back simply isn't an option. Honestly, if I could speak my mind without consequence, yes, I don't mind bending to your demands or fulfilling your expectations, especially seeing you so helpless now. I swear I'm not sick of it, I'm just, utterly exhausted. I just, need you to know that. 

But given how things are, I suppose it’s not my place to say such things out loud. It feels cruel to plant thorns on a withering, old cactus. It feels almost inappropriate to even pen my own story just to make sense of this hollow sadness that hits me whenever you cross my mind. A sadness that doesn't stem from missing you, but from the glaring realization that I am physically incapable of longing for you.

If not for me, could I at least picture a better version of you for her? Just a fleeting 'what if', if only you had treated her better back then. If only you hadn't hidden everything behind a fragile shell, a fragility I now realize I was the cause of. I was even naive enough at one point to think my mere existence could be the glue to hold that shattered shell together. What a brutally misguided assumption that was.

The birthday that never truly free from the ghost of those stripped-away hopes, as much as I loathe dwelling on them. Instead of wishing for all things bright and beautiful on this day, my only prayer is for the sweet relief of amnesia regarding that specific day. If not the day itself, I pray to unfeel what it was like to be profoundly neglected and let down by the very people who sustained my life, yet somehow made me question my own worth.

No, no, it was just one among countless times my happiness was dismantled, but it’s fine. I don't mean to sit here and wallow in past resentments, nor do I intend to withhold forgiveness, because what good would holding a grudge do, rite? I just wanted to not be left behind. I just wanted the man you used to be to be a genuinely good man, better man. Not necessarily for my sake, but for yours, and for her, for us, but whatever, it's okay, I’m used to it now.

We met in a moment that I couldn't expect. You've crossed my time with your ridiculous way. Asking me why things got so heavy, yet it was before you. With that color of yours, I had greeted some new name. A new friend that I called spectrum.

Ada suatu hal yang sering mengganjal hatiku. Pembahasan soal ikan. Bukan hanya karena setelah semua ikan di langit, ikan ini menjadi ikut melayang-layang di pikiranku, selain ada di sekeliling Beliau, tapi ikan juga jadi representasi manusia.

Aku lupa mengutipnya dari mana, tapi bayangin kita ada di ruangan 1x1, kita letakin seonggok kursi ke dalamnya, pasti langsung kerasa penuh mampus. Tapi kalau kursi yang sama, kita letakinnya di lapangan bidar alam, ya jelas ga bakal mempengaruhi apapun, cuma mungkin aneh aja tiba-tiba ada kursi di lapangan (oke not funny at all). Kemungkinan lainnya kalau ruangan ini suatu daerah tanpa sekat, like the region that we own is only that 1x1, pasti kita akan merasa, aduh ini mah bisa nih geseran dikit, but still the outside of that 1x1 is not ours. 

Ikan yang berada di kolam besar akan memiliki lebih banyak ruang untuk berenang-renang, atau mungkin untuk terbang, ya tapi oke oke kita tidak akan membahas ikannya Beliau. Ikan normal saja. Kalau aku jadi ikan, danau toba mungkin jadi pilihanku, kalau laut rasanya aku kurang suka air asin, tapi boleh juga. Kalaupun di akuarium, ya, sempitnya akan sangat terasa sih, sama sempitnya di kolam yang ukurannya juga 3x3 misal, kenalan ikannya pasti ikan tuan aja. 

Dalam hal mencari sosok berpotensi juga kurang lebih sama seperti perkolaman dan perikanan ini. Ketika kita dipertemukan dalam suatu kolam yang sama dengan banyak ikan lainnya, apa yang membentuk pandangan dan kriteria kita besar adanya berasal dari faktor ukuran dan variabel di dalam kolam ini. Kriteria tentang ikan favorit atau ikan paling menarik, ya ada di dalam kolam ini karena di kolam ini lah kita hidup dan lebih besarnya di dalam kolam ini lah kita menempatkan pikiran sadar kita. 

Tentu, tentu, sebagai ikan yang bijaksana, kita bisa melihat lebih banyak ikan di laut ataupun kolam lain, ikan-ikan lainnya yang akan lebih bervariasi. Hanya, penempatan pikiran kita lah yang terkadang membungkam kita dengan fakta dasar bahwa kolam tempat kita berada sekarang hanyalah kondisi situasional yang akan dan sangat mungkin akan berubah ke depannya, di bentangan dunia yang lebih luas lagi. 

Namun, ada juga jenis ikan yang memilih jatuh suka dengan potensi. Potensi di dalam kolam yang saat ini ia tinggali. Potensi yang ia harapkan, yang ia bayangkan akan menjadi ada di dalam perjalanan waktu nantinya. Meski potensi yang diharapkan ikan ini sebenarnya sudah diperlihatkan ketidakmungkinannya di depan dirinya secara langsung, tapi yang namanya jatuh, ada di luar kuasa. Lagipun ikan, kok jatuh. 

Potensi dengan keberadaan mimpi, harapan, keinginan, tidak ada yang salah juga sih. Dengan sudut pandang bahwa kolam kecil kolam besar atau bahkan laut ini ada, mungkin sebagai ikan, ikan akan lebih tenang bahwa kehidupan perkolaman dan perikanannya masih amat sangat jauh, panjang, dan masih banyak kemungkinan kehidupan yang belum ditemuinya. Mungkin di dalam kemungkinan itu ada kemungkinan terbang, walau dirinya ikan. 

Ikan yang sudah terlanjur jatuh juga mau bagaimana lagi? Di luar kuasa. Apakah bagi seekor ikan, jatuh itu menyakitkan? Kurang lebih, iya, kan dasarnya, jatuh. Ya, itupun kalau ikan bisa jatuh, kan ikan tidak berkaki, tapi apakah syarat jatuh itu berkaki? Tidak juga, hujan kan tidak berkaki, tapi jatuh juga, dari langit. Kolam dan ikan mengajarkan banyak hal tanpa perlu mengucap sepatah kata, kecuali mungkin sapaan selamat pagi, selamat siang, selamat sore, mungkin juga selamat malam jika bertemu malam-malam. 

Pun, untuk apa kolam mempedulikan seekor ikan yang sudah terlanjur jatuh, toh tanpa kaki pun ikan bisa terpelanting tenggelam ke langit-langit air, membiarkan sisa rasanya mengapung pasrah, seolah-olah jatuh tak selalu butuh tanah untuk mendarat, selain sekedar ruang untuk tiba-tiba lupa caranya berenang dan justru memilih hal asing, terbang.

Membahas soal yang manis-manis, buatku yang terpikir di otak itu gula. Gula pasir putih yang dipake buat bikin teh. Padahal, dua barang itu adalah dua hal yang kurang masuk di ranah konsumsiku karena sejarang itu mencampurkan gula dan teh. Lambat laun, coklat menjadi pengganti bayangan kata manis. Misal ada temen yang mau minta 'ada yang manis-manis ga?' aku seringnya bilang gaada walaupun di mejaku ada roti atau biskuit yang .. manis. Pasti nantinya aku billang 'oh kukira coklat' dan dijawab dengan siapa juga yang nanya coklat. Ya... Memang agak agak juga otak ini kadang dalam memproses komunikasi.

Selain gula dan teh, coklat juga menjadi barang yang kuhindari. Aku kurang suka dengan coklat dan kemanisannya, merek apapun. Jadi kalau ada tiba-tiba coklat dateng, seringnya aku kasih ke orang lagi. 

Cuma ya, manusia emang paling dinamis, akhir-akhir ini aku selalu merasa coklat adalah satu-satunya booster paling instan buat menangani kemalasan. Lemas, letih, lesuh, lapar, lunglai, dan semua L lainnya, teratasi gitu aja dengan sebuah coklat???

Sebagai perempuan, aku merasa ada momen yang kadang, oh ini aku lemes banget, tiba-tiba sedih gajelas, keknya hormon deh, yang untukku itu sering banget dateng, ya bulanan sih datengnya. Tapi menganggu banget kadang harus berdamai dengan itu tiap bulan, like shsssss, but okay, ill go through this one, once again (gini aja terus yah).

Ya begitulah dan yang membuatku back on my track again, turns out adalah coklat. Yap, makan coklat walau cuma sebutir coklat kurma atau sepatahan coklat batang, bener-bener balikin mood. Buatku kalau ngerasa capek banget, sedih banget, kan biasanya bikin ngantuk ya, karena otak kita udah drain so much dan badan kita udah kehabisan energinya juga. Di sinilah, ya tetep si bakal ketiduran atau memutuskan untuk tiduran ahahah, tapi dengan konsumsi coklat, semua tugas tetep kelar aja at the end. 

Tulisan ini diabadikan kepada coklat, si manis yang dulu kuhindari, kusingkirkan, tapi kini jadi support system andalan ahaha. Tapi sungkan untukku menamai judulnya sebagai coklat, jadi mari kita sebut dia, yang manis-manis, untuk hari-hari yang diharap jadi manis juga. 

Read this!

Earlier, the toilet on my floor at campus was being repaired, which meant we had to go all the way down to the first floor. Like, it takes 5 minutes to get there just to use the toilet for one minute. At first, I was feeling way too lazy, like, hell nah, why do I have to cross the whole building just to use a toilet??? But yeah... since I really, really had to go, I just did it.

When I took that first step downstairs, I tried to just turn off my feelings. Like, just go with the flow and let my feet walk on their own. And then, yeah, I arrived on the first floor?? Then I used it?? And then I went back to my floor, and it was all done?? Like, it’s so easy when you just go numb.

That got me thinking, like if this numbness makes my current struggle sooooo easy, why don't I apply it to everything? Like, God, okay, let's just do this and that, without any feeling. Like when I have a problem, or anything that WILL ruin my bright-to-be or at least what-I-hope-to-be-bright day, I could just face it with zero feeling and trust that it will pass and the burden will be gone. Right? Hmmm.

Yeah, that’s just what I thought because of this whole toilet repair situation, like, why does it have to be nowww? Okay, okay, let’s just never mind that, ahahaha. But in reality, I'm sure this mindset only applies to certain circumstances. Because if I do everything with no feeling and just embrace the numbness, there will be consequences... perhaps. Perhaps.

Because imagine if we actually used this "toilet-walking numbness" as a daily survival kit. You’re sitting in life, and then a sky drop you a problem that you have to perform something in front of many people, but you can't even do a thing, so suddenly, and instead of panicking, you just sit there like a blank wall. "Yes, okay. Yes, go on. I will do this until the time is up."

At some point, if you are too numb, you wouldn't even notice when someone cuts in front of your line. You'd just be like, "Ah, a human is now standing in front of me. That is fine." You'd basically turn into a zen master, but the kind that gets stepped on by everyone. Or worse, people would think you're slightly a sociopath.... because you just stare blankly when everything goes wrong.

So yeah, activating that numbness mode is a 10/10 elite strategy for climbing campus stairs or doing chores, but maybe a 2/10 for actually surviving social life without looking like a robot whose battery is at 1%.