I hadn't imagined that I would be turning 22 in this kind of situation. I still find it hard to accept the fact that, in 2026, at the age of 22, my desperation to do my schoolwork and do well on exams keeps haunting me like ghosts and will continue to do so at least until next year, when I expect to graduate. In my time off, I came across a strong rain, which drove me to write, yes, this one. I'm not sure why, but I feel somewhat relieved that I will never stop learning because I spend a lot more time in "formal education" (read: kuliah kelamaan ahahah).

Even when I know exactly what to look for, I am always hard on myself, as I am honest with me. Living abroad last year was a truly provoking experience for me because I realized that although the world is so huge and I am so small, I have life and the opportunity to do anything as great as my God allows me. Lebarnya dunia terbentang, duniaku ternyata jauh lebih luas. Dreaming of something big that seems so strong and untamed makes me realize that no matter how bad things happen in this world, they seem meaningless in comparison to the thousands of opportunities that are waiting for me to turn them into reality, untuk menjadikannya ada menjadi salah satu dari realitas di kehidupan fanaku. Perhaps it's not just me, but when I think too much, I can't feel enough, and when I feel too much, I can't think clearly.

As humans with a high wall as a guard, some of us might feel hatred if others discover our vulnerability, as we continuously pretend to be strong and wise. But, darling, whoever you are that reads this one, believe me that maybe it's not today at this time, but someday, you will find someone that wants to know you more, someone that is always checking on how you're doing in life every now and then, someone that asks about your favorite food or where your favorite drink is sold, but most of all, you will find someone that will remember each and every one of your answers so well, even the most insignificant one.

Darling, you have to find yours and be grateful for them. Thank you for letting yourself be vulnerable in front of them, for hearing the stories you won't tell anyone else, for letting them see the side of you you won't show anyone else, and, above all else, for allowing them to understand your brokenness. I'm unsure how, but as I spend my time, think, and feel, maybe connection is what I need the most, and I can regain independence by connecting with my family, friends, or perhaps someone new.

In closing my prologue to my 2026 journey, I'd like to remind myself to enjoy the path, even if it has no meaning at times, and that everyone deserves to be seen. Also, for whoever that could be, I hope I can be mature and not choose to leave everything first, assuming that everything would leave me later, and to be someone who understands how to live as a human and for others.

ps. it's fun somehow since my prologue begins in early May