I hadn't
imagined that I would be turning 22 in this kind of situation. I still find it
hard to accept the fact that, in 2026, at the age of 22, my desperation to do
my schoolwork and do well on exams keeps haunting me like ghosts and will
continue to do so at least until next year, when I expect to graduate. In my
time off, I came across a strong rain, which drove me to write, yes, this one.
I'm not sure why, but I feel somewhat relieved that I will never stop learning
because I spend a lot more time in "formal education" (read: kuliah
kelamaan ahahah).
Even when
I know exactly what to look for, I am always hard on myself, as I am honest
with me. Living abroad last year was a truly provoking experience for me
because I realized that although the world is so huge and I am so small, I have
life and the opportunity to do anything as great as my God allows me. Lebarnya
dunia terbentang, duniaku ternyata jauh lebih luas. Dreaming of something big
that seems so strong and untamed makes me realize that no matter how bad things
happen in this world, they seem meaningless in comparison to the thousands of
opportunities that are waiting for me to turn them into reality, untuk
menjadikannya ada menjadi salah satu dari realitas di kehidupan fanaku. Perhaps
it's not just me, but when I think too much, I can't feel enough, and when I
feel too much, I can't think clearly.
As humans
with a high wall as a guard, some of us might feel hatred if others discover
our vulnerability, as we continuously pretend to be strong and wise. But,
darling, whoever you are that reads this one, believe me that maybe it's not
today at this time, but someday, you will find someone that wants to know you
more, someone that is always checking on how you're doing in life every now and
then, someone that asks about your favorite food or where your favorite drink
is sold, but most of all, you will find someone that will remember each and
every one of your answers so well, even the most insignificant one.
Darling, you have to find yours and be grateful for them. Thank you for letting yourself be vulnerable in front of them, for hearing the stories you won't tell anyone else, for letting them see the side of you you won't show anyone else, and, above all else, for allowing them to understand your brokenness. I'm unsure how, but as I spend my time, think, and feel, maybe connection is what I need the most, and I can regain independence by connecting with my family, friends, or perhaps someone new.
In closing my prologue to my 2026 journey, I'd like to remind myself to enjoy the path, even if it has no meaning at times, and that everyone deserves to be seen. Also, for whoever that could be, I hope I can be mature and not choose to leave everything first, assuming that everything would leave me later, and to be someone who understands how to live as a human and for others.
ps. it's fun somehow since my prologue begins in early May
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